Day Eight: What was your toughest decision you had to make?

This is going to be a short post because I still get really emotional about this topic.  I can never seem to stop the tears when I think of this circumstance and decision.

The toughest decision I had to make this year was going to Denver to say good bye forever to my niece, Addie back in August. 

Once Addie went into cardiac arrest during a procedure, doctors were pretty determined that Addie was not going to overcome this.  Doctors were against her and the statistics were not in her favor either.  I was at home in ABQ when she went on the ECMO machine (life support), and had to make the decision to go up to Denver to say good bye forever.  I knew that I needed to say good bye but I also knew that it would be to hard to see this little girl in such horrific condition.  I didn't want my last vision of her to be like this... I wanted to always remember her smiling and saying "Hi Auntie" with such enthusiasm.  Also I battled with "what do I say to her?" It's hard to think of your last words to someone when you have the chance... what if you forget to say something? What if you can't think of the right words to say?  What if she can't hear me? All these 'what if's' were cycling through my head the entire ride up to Denver.  But I made the toughest decision to go tell Addie everything she meant to me and more.  I had no idea what I was going to say but I already knew that she knows exactly how I feel about her.  I always tell her everyday what she means to me.  

I said my 'goodbye' but it wasn't forever!  It was 'see you later'!  Addie prevailed and will remain the love of my life for eternity.  

   

Day Seven: When were you the happiest?

May 2010 was when I was the happiest. Michael and I went on our Ultimate Road Trip but more specifically about this road trop when when we were in Disneyland!

Although the day we went was the 10 year anniversary of my mothers death, I really felt a lot of love from all my friends and especially my boyfriend, Michael.  I definitely agree that Disneyland is the Happiest Place on Earth!

Not only was my company great but all the text messages and reminders of how loved I am and how many people were thinking of my on this particular day meant the world to me.  Everything in my life at that point was close to perfect.

Life was good in many different aspects.  Addie had not gone to Denver and was not faced with that traumatic medical condition.  Family life was good, relationship was amazing (and still is); had just moved in with Michael into his new house (and all the animals got along), meeting new friends and maintaining wonderful friendships with current friends. My health was good (thyroid was under control and was working out 5-6 days a week).

My life's' roller coaster had finally decided to slow down and the up's and down's.

Riding Space Mountain

Day Six: What was the best advice you gave this past year?

This one is tough for me.  I always get compliments on giving good advice and how helpful I am when friends are in need... but the problem is I love to talk so I don't really know when I am "giving advice".  I guess there have times this year when I had friends who were going through a rough time and I helped talk them through it, but nothing really sticks out in my mind the past few days that I have been thinking about this.

I know that I encouraged my sister to be strong and remain positive when Addie was ill.  Another friend was about to make a huge life changing decision and I didn't tell her what to do but only told her that no matter what she did choose, I would stand by her choice 100% and support her.  Another friend wanted to break up with her boyfriend because of small difference and minor dislikes but I told her to put those aside because they aren't worth ended a relationship for.  She took that advice and is still dating him and she seems the happy girl that I knew she would be.

I love giving advice.  Advice for big problems or even little every day issues.  Most importantly, I love listening to what people have to say and if you know me, I usually have a response if you need one.

Since I am unsure of the best advice I gave and you think I gave you great advice, I'd really like to know :D

Day Five: What was your biggest risk in 2010?

The day I risked my life & never regretted it since.

This may sound silly, but for me my biggest risk was getting into a relationship.  I have been truly heartbroken multiple times that I have had a guard up since my last relationship.  I wanted a boyfriend and was envious of those that were in relationships yet I couldn't commit.  (I'll have you be known that I have never had a problem with commitment, in fact I was always ready to commit to anything and everything).  This fear of commitment was new to me and it freaked me out because I didn't know how to handle this new attribute.  I didn't want it to be a new quality that I possessed.

I was so fearful of getting hurt, giving more then I received.  Scared of loosing my sense of self and going back to codependency.  This was all the stuff I learned about myself throughout counseling.

I met him in July of 2009 and was totally oblivious to his feelings for me because I was so relationship deficient.  I was scared he was going to be just another guy and I would end up getting hurt... yet again.  Left for Switzerland for a few weeks in October '09 and finally came to realize that I was okay with being alone... okay with not having a partner.  This was an essential development for me!  I was never okay being alone (I think this roots back to my relationship with my mother- I always wanted to be with her + codependence).  I knew that there was no way I would be able to be with someone again if I wasn't okay with just being with myself.  I think they call that Independence ;)  And I finally conquered this obstacle!

Next risk was letting him into my personal life and heart; to let the guard down.  He left for Hawaii and I realized I missed him for the first time!  I knew this was a good sign!  We rang in 2010 together and knew the risk I needed to take... let him in completely and hopefully forever.  The best risk I have ever taken.  

Day Four: Is there something you said to someone that hurt their feelings? If so, what was it? and do you take it back?

Seriously, I don't think I have said anything hurtful to anyone this year.  As I mentioned in my 30 Days of Truth Challenge, I really choose my words wisely and try very hard to think before I react!  A lot has happened to my family in 2010 that the only words that really stick out in my head were all hopeful, positive, spiritual, and healing.  If there is anything I have said to anyone that hurt their feelings, please email me and let me know so I can take responsibility and apologize.  I really do not like hurting people's feelings like a few people out there.  It is really pathetic how some people in this world get off on treating people poorly with negatively with words.  Seriously people, what does that really do for you?  Make you higher and people lower? Enlighten me.

I actually just had a conversation with someone from high school and she apologized for stuff she has said in the past (not this past year) about me.  I had no idea she was saying or thinking these things at the time so it did sting a little, but once she made it known that she was very regretful and guilty for thinking those things about me, I felt a sense of true friendship.  Its hard to admit when you have truly hurt someone feelings, so I thank her for stepping up and bitting the bullet.  Since words can be so hurtful, I would really like to apologize right now if there was anything I have said anything negative to anyone.

Sticks and stone will break my bones but names will never hurt me.

Day Three: What was the best advice you got in 2010?

The best advice I received was from my sister and it was regarding relationships.  It was more than just a piece of advice but yet a very good conversation. My sis has been with her husband for 11 years now (only married for 5) and they have a very solid relationship.  The advice she gave me was concerning compromising; how to compromise, importance of compromising and how to mold/change with the compromises made.  If you give a little, you will receive a little; 50/50 is what makes a relationship work.  It's all about giving and taking from each partner for a healthy, happy relationship.  You may need to bend your personal rules or be open to others' personal rules; change and mold boundaries to fit each other's needs and wants, even has times passes along.

It's advice that will carry me forever.  This is the best advice because it's effective in multiple relationships, family kinships, and friendships.

Day Two: What are you most grateful for this past year?

The day she left hospital at the Denver Zoo= The happiest day of my life

This post also goes hand in hand with my previous post, 2010 Biggest Accomplishment.  I am most grateful for my niece Addison and her will to live.  Boy has this little girl had a rough rough year, even a rough rough life.  I never really understood why children are dealt with such misery and pain when they are so young.  It just doesn't seem fair.

For those of you who don't know, Addison was diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension last summer.  She went to Denver for a simple procedure and ended up in cardiac arrest and on life support.  The thought of loosing Addie is and was so devastating. I never want to have to think about that again.  Thankfully, Addie was rehabilitated back to herself months later.

Addie warms everyone's heart, puts a smile on everyone's faces, and that light in her heart never dies down.  She brings me so much joy even just thinking of her.  Her will to live is amazing and you will never meet a little girl like Addie.  Every time I walk up to the house, her face lights up and I here her say "AUNTIE! Come see me auntie!" That is the best feeling I have ever felt.  After I graduated from ASU, I left Arizona primarily to be with my family.  And every time I see Addie, I know I made the right move no matter what.

Addie, you are my sunshine.  There is no possible way I could love you more than I do now.  I am eternally grateful for you. 

Day One: What was your biggest accomplishment?

My niece Addison got pretty sick right this past summer and ended up on life support for a few weeks and has undergone months of recovery.  My biggest accomplishment in 2010 is when I raised about $2000 for Help Addie Fight wristbands.  This money went directly to my sister and her family to help pay for medical expenses as well as everyday living expenses since they were living at the hospital. My very good and supportive friend Katy set up a Facebook Prayer Group Page and the word spread like a wild fire!  Not only did I personally raise money, but a lot of other people took a lot of time out of their life to help raise money in their own ways as well (THANK YOU SO MUCH APD AND THE APD UNION!)
Along with just raising money for my family, I was also there 110% for each of them.  I am so fortunate to have been able to get out there a few weeks a month to help be a support as well as help them get stuff done (errands etc.)  I love spending time with my family!  So my other 2010 biggest accomplishment was also just being there for my family in this terrible time of our lives.
Please continue to pray for Addie.  She will always need our prayers.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Out With The Old, On With The New

I finished my 30 Day's of Truth and wanted to continue more self reflections.  I really enjoyed picking my own brain and innermost thoughts so I thought I would come up with an End of the Year Self Reflection.  Personally, my entire year had plenty of highs and lows so I would also like to take the time to reflect on what this year has given to me.

Similar to my last blog, I will be answering a question a day, I will not throw anyone under the bus, and answers will come straight from my heart.  I encourage you to jump on this train as well.  The responses from the 30 Days of Truth blog were phenomenal so I hope you all join me as we Reflect on 2010.

Day One: What was your biggest accomplishment?

Day Two: What are you most grateful for this past year?

Day Three: What was the best advice you got in 2010?

Day Four: Is there something you said to someone that hurt their feelings? If so, what was it? and do you take it back?

Day Five: What was your biggest risk in 2010?

Day Six: What was the best advice you gave this past year?

Day Seven: When were you the happiest?

Day Eight: What was your toughest decision you had to make?

Day Nine: Who impacted you the most?

Day Ten: What was the klutziest thing you did this past year?

Day Eleven: What was the most selfish thing you did?

Day Twelve: What was the best gift you gave?

Day Thirteen: What was your favorite purchase?

Day Fourteen: Something you learned this past year.

Day Fifteen:  What was your biggest challenge?

Day Sixteen: What would you do differently?

Day Seventeen:  What happened in your life that you never expected to happen?

Day Eighteen: What was your guilty pleasure?

Day Nineteen: What is one thing you did that you have never done before?

Day Twenty: What skills/talents did you acquire?

Day Twenty-One: What was one of your wishes or prayers?

Day Twenty-Two: What is your 2010 theme song?

Day Twenty-Three: Who surprised you this year? In what way?

Day Twenty-Four: What was your 2010 New Year's Resolution?  Did you stick to it? And what will your 2011 New Year's resolution be?

Day Twenty-Five: On a scale from 1-10 (1 being lowest, 10 being highest), How would you rate your overall 2010?